So What?

Not long ago, I spoke to a few female friends who made a suggestion that I should write out a list of qualities I would like to find in a man. Think Field of Dreams “If you build it, he will come” only more like instead of building a baseball field I’m writing a list, and instead of being reunited with my father, I’ll meet the man of my dreams. Got it? Good… so here we go…

I want someone:

who is outgoing and confident. Not talking huge ego or anything, but he’ll have confidence in himself and won’t be afraid to show it.

who is intelligent. I love the idea of meeting someone who brings new ideas into my world.

who actually laughs at my jokes.

who is calm and patient in the face of annoyance. I am able to let small annoyances go and he should to! No reason to get all worked up from a long line or the person taking your order making a mistake.

who knows flowers are a waste of money, but will occasionally waste the money anyway just to put a smile on my face.

who is a thrill seeker. A guy who is willing to take a few risks and see what life has to offer.

So to sum it all up… my guy is confident, outgoing, smart, funny, tolerant, adventurous in trying new things, patient, and thoughtful. Yeah… he should be EASY to find… LMAO!!

Cold weather makes people crazy… or maybe cold weather just makes me crazy… it seems like in a matter of a few weeks my life has completely changed.  Not that I am complaining, it’s changing in a good way, but I feel like I need to find something to focus all my energy on. Now that I’m done moving I forsee some extra free time in my future… time for a new hobby? Perhaps… although baseball season starts at the end of this month so it would have to be a quick one! Any suggestions?

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon ‘unclean.’

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You’ve often uttered the phrase, ‘I love what you’ve done with your cave.’

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

1) Delicious Satsuma oranges…

I love everything orange flavored, but I hate peeling oranges and refuse to eat them sliced. (somehow it’s just wrong) During the fall/winter season here in the Pacific NW I can get the awesome Satsumas which are easily peeled and super delicious. I know it’s a weird thing to get excited about but every year when I see the first box appear in stores I feel giddy. In fact, I am eating one right now.

2) Christmas music…

Oh yes, I know what you think. The unspoken rule that a person must wait until after Thanksgiving to listen to lively tunes by the like of Nat King Cole and well… just about every artist has a Christmas album these days. This rule is meant to be broken. I did not purchase my green Christmas music only ipod for a month of enjoyment. Although I refrain until November 1st, asking me to wait any longer is inappropriate. Why wait for something I so enjoy? I will however, attempt to refrain from humming said tunes in the presence of others. I said attempt… this is not a promise.

3) Starbucks’ holiday red cups.

Yeah that’s right, the red cup. I buy more coffee during this time than any other time of the year. It’s not just because of the chilly weather… it’s the cup. I know I am not alone in this as I have seen your facebook posts coffee fiends! “Yay, Starbucks has the Christmas cups! Made my day”. Why said cup should bring joy into my life I am not sure, but I do know this… every type of coffee tastes better when drunk from a red starbucks cup. It’s a proven fact.

4) Christmas Shopping the day after Thanksgiving.

So many of you will avoid this like the plague. Here is why I love it. First, after eating obscene amounts of turkey I feel the need to go to sleep directly after dinner. If I know I’ll be waking up at 3 am to go shopping I do not feel guilty about leaving my family get together early for some shut eye. Also (and this is the important part), I have previously finished shopping for Christmas gifts for others during the summer months. This allows me to go on a mega-deal shopping spree for myself. And who doesn’t love the idea of buying things for yourself at a super discount. It’s one of Americas favorite pastimes, spending money to get stuff. I love it. And when a sweet little old lady runs you over with her cart to get to the buy one get one free socks at Fred Meyer, it really is hilarious. (Minus the bruised toes of course.)

5) Holiday decorations are EVERYWHERE!

You know the obnoxious neighbors whose house is so bright it keeps your bedroom looking like daytime all night long? I love them. When I own my own home, I will be THAT neighbor. You don’t have to be a kid to enjoy lights and giant inflatable snowmen! I do draw the line at those creepy deer though… These houses are the tackiest looking yard/house in the daylight but after dark are transformed to a winter wonderland. People drive in excessively slow speeds through these neighborhoods where one-upmanship is rampant as they all try to outdo “Bob” next door. Some places even ask for donations for the local food bank from those who drive though the neighborhood. (Mountlake Terrace WA Lights Display, check it out it’s fabulous). Now what about giving to a local charity does not say “Merry Christmas”? I wonder if they can write off their enormous electricity bills…

6) Picking out the perfect tree…

For those of us who refuse to go plastic, there is still the holiday tradition of going to pick out the piece of wilderness you will happily lug into your living room for a period of time, dropping sap and pine needles all over your floor in an attempt to make merry. I love it. I love the time spent finding just the right tree, only to bring it home and find a “bald spot” you didn’t notice at the farm. I love rearranging the decorations so it somewhat looks symmetrical. I love lights… LOTS of lights so it looks as if the tree is on fire. And the smell, you can’t replace the smell of a fresh pine tree. Of course a month down the road when you have to pull off and put away all the decorations you will swear that next year you’ll get no tree, a smaller tree, or a fake one… but somehow when the time comes you can’t bear to part with the tradition.

7) Family members attempt to see each other and make nice.

We all have those family members whom you don’t talk to for much of the year, for whatever reason. But during this time of year we all feel compelled to call them up, invite them over and discuss how we should see each other more often. Of course the likelihood that you will see them again before next Thanksgiving/Christmas season is small, but it’s the thought that counts… right?

8) Extra time off from work.

I feel very sorry for those who have jobs that do not get paid time off from work. Even more so at this time of year. First the 4 day weekend for Thanksgiving, so much time to eat, shop and not be working. Then of course the day(s) of Christmas, depending on if your employer determines that Christmas Eve is in fact, a holiday. Mine doesn’t (boo), but I can accept that. I just wish employers would give me Hanukkah off paid… I could use an 8 day paid vacation to errr celebrate diversity in religion.

9) Santa.

“You may say there’s no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa, we believe”… and millions of children can’t be wrong. Even if he just exists in their hearts, he is a big staple of holidays around the world. I love hearing kids share their Christmas wishes with Santa, and then knowing that they feel compelled to be “good” kids to get what they want. It’s a great bargaining tool to get children to be well behaved, and you may say this is not a good thing… to bribe your children. I say, sometimes we do what we must to get the kid to behave. If it’s a fat guy in a weird red suit, so be it. The real deal however is the magic in seeing a kid on Christmas morning. Nothing like it I can think of. I just wish I still felt the same magic of the anticipation and finally seeing what Santa brought.

10) Danish Butter Cookies in festive tins.

Is there anything more delicious? This nifty little cookies are delightful, although it always seems the pretzel shaped ones are eaten first. Nothing worse than getting to the tin only to realize all you have left is the plain circle shaped ones that look like Nilla wafers. Finally Denmark has contributed something worthwhile to society, aside from delicious golden beers of course.

Which strikes me to think of my next top ten list “delicious beers”… but I’ll have to research this thoroughly first. :)

Okay, so I know that you are drunk and out somewhere … no need to drunk text me to tell me where you are and what you are doing. Especially if this is the first communication we’ve had in months. AND if it is anywhere near or after midnight and I have to get up at 5am for work the next day.  This also goes for the 2am “we should hook up” texts.  Look, it’s never gonna happen anyway, especially not when you are several drinks in… (boys, we all know what happens to you).

#1 I probably would not dislike communicating with you so much if you called or text me during regular daylight hours.  This waking up to your nonsense babble is abnoxious.

#2 Just because you are drunk, doesn’t mean that I am also drunk.  It just means you are probably an alcoholic, Mr. Sunday night drunk texter.

#3 Aren’t there some skanks in the bar you are at?  Really… I was SLEEPING.  Now I’m awake, grumpy and pissed off… not coming over to your place to “kick it” as you so eloquently put it.

So please people, put down the phone.

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, ‘What’s wrong with you?’

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. 

He said, ‘This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.’


Adam asked God, ‘What will a woman like this cost?’


‘An arm and a leg.’

Then Adam asked, ‘What can I get for a rib?’

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough
on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.